tales of Suchita

My sister will turn 24 soon. And that means she is going through all the things that I went through when I was that age. It also means that I can offer her unique insight into how not to freak out and how to milk this so that she learns her lesson without inconveniencing herself too much.

The problem is – she doesn’t listen or want to listen to my advice.

S has only recently started working which means she is being subjected to the unhealthy scrutiny of her parents and older sibling who are so desperate to protect her from all the pitfalls that they can foresee, they perhaps are constricting her growth.

Since I am closer to her age, I am in a position to understand both the parties’ fears and aspirations. And while I do want to smother her with my experience and save her some of the heartache, I often find myself proclaiming to my father, “You are speaking from 35 years of experience which she will not understand.” To this, the rebuttal that I am offered is – these are millennial problems – meaning we have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills.

While I absolutely agree (that we tend to overreact/overthink) I can also see that the experience I speak of is a culmination of going through those tedious years, blundering along the way. As the older sibling, thus, it becomes a nightmare to navigate the fine line between wanting to protect her and allowing her to blunder through.

I am then left to wonder what’s the point of my experience if she doesn’t learn from it? What is the point of my heartache if I am not able to help her avoid some of hers? This of course forces me to take a step back and think of it from her perspective…which basically leaves my brain in a loop.

So I try…I try to temper the protectiveness and annoyance. How?

1. Narrating my insecurities (past and present) to match hers.
2. Patience of course…lots and lots of patience especially when I get the hated line you don’t understand *eye roll*
3. Cajoling, blackmailing, screaming followed by a reasonable conversation.
4. Locking her and me in the room to create a safe space where she can talk.
5. Letting my parents handle it *not really*
6. Leaving her alone – which doesn’t always work because then I get the you don’t care about me anymore – but it does sometimes work.
7. Backing off; because let’s face it 3 people trying to lecture one person will enrage anyone.
8. Try to stop talking before the tears start.
9. Hugs!
10. Telling her repeatedly it’s okay.

MP, the younger sibling in her sibling dynamic tells me, as the older one, we perhaps don’t fully appreciate the power and influence we have/can have over our younger ones. Thus, it becomes doubly important to be mindful of what/how we say anything. These are some things I do and hopefully they suffice.