tales of Suchita

Why do I write – this is a dangerous question. It takes you down a never-ending hole of self-pity where you are forced to examine your inflated sense of worth and going into that hole is never a pleasant experience.

I recently read a few tweets from a writer / blogger I adore saying she was thinking of shutting down her ten year old blog – ten years I thought. What happened that she was forced to think of that extreme measure?

And then I read the last thing I wrote and I was visited by that same bug of self annihilation, where her need to pull the plug suddenly made sense – why, what is the point, here I am writing all this and for what, what higher purpose is this serving, what am I doing with my life – and the litany of questions is like an unraveling yarn – spreading, knotting, pointless.

To add insult to injury, I met up with another fellow writer friend and I went ahead and screamed at her for not writing anymore. I gave her a big lecture on how to stay motivated and disciplined – the same lines she had said to me a year ago when I was writing my manuscript.

Maybe the ‘why’ of this post lies in that – my manuscript – on which I am awaiting a response. It is my first submission. It has only been three months. But the waiting – oh god the waiting and the yawning pit in the stomach when you realize all your eggs are in this basket and you have NO PLAN B – how do you stay the path without going a little crazy?

I can be extremely patient but this isn’t fun – not by a long shot. And then of course because you do love to self annihilate, you ask yourself the worst question of all – are you good? Maybe you aren’t and then that quickly devolves into: you have just written this long blog post – why? You are a fool.

No, writing this hasn’t made me feel better, not by a long shot, which is weird because writing is supposed to help people like me who find it difficult, to express themselves.

Pfft.

I haven’t decided if I am going to keep this in my drafts or publish it. I think I am definitely not going to edit it. If I publish it, I don’t know what it’ll prove – sometimes you have to question your motives (read as self annihilation – I do love that word…has a ring of finality to it, doesn’t it?). If I don’t – well then we have nothing to worry about, do we?