tales of Suchita

I am 30 years old and I live with my parents. It is mostly out of choice, partly because they live in Bombay and why would I leave this city to live somewhere else, and 100% because I don’t have the finances to afford living separately.

Before I share by two-bits on how to live with your enthusiastic Indian parents, let me start by acknowledging my privilege:

1. I don’t have to worry about groceries or vegetables or rent.
2. I don’t have to prepare a timetable to feed myself. My mother usually cooks and all I have to do is get up at 1 PM and lay the table.
3. My parents don’t let me contribute to the household expenses. They say it is their privilege that they don’t need to rely on their daughter’s money.
4. Everything I earn is my own because I don’t need to spend it on essentials.

In a post COVID world, there may come a time where you are forced to move back home because of tight finances. This post, inspired by friends who are contemplating such a move, hopes to equip you for such a change.

I. Boundaries

I was working from home long before COVID. In the beginning, I didn’t have enough work so mid-week afternoon lunches, 4 PM shopping sprees on a weekday and impromptu get-together with family was something I could do. Soon, 10 AM to 6 PM became my sacred time. It took my parents time to understand that I could no longer drop everything and go with them for grocery shopping on a Wednesday because Big Bazaar had 40% discounts running.

In the beginning, you’ll treat this shift back home like a holiday and spend 4 hours with mom talking about life and 2 hours with dad discussing what to cook in the night. As all parties will slowly realize, this isn’t a two week vacation. This is the new norm.

Pro-tip: Having and maintaining a routine helps. Also a room with a door. Use that door.

II. Guilt

When you’re away, your parents’ age is something you worry about but also quickly forget. When you start living with them, it will keep hitting you in the face. You will suddenly realize that the image you had of them was when you last lived with them – for quite a few this would be at least a decade old. And now, they’re no longer spry. You’ll feel like a horrible child. Then you’ll feel even more horrible because they won’t let you help them because they have been doing this before you, thank you very much, and will continue to do this long after you leave.

Not spending time with them, over-compensating by getting in their hair, drowning yourself in guilt because now they have to worry about your future when at your age, they had children and were running their own house – it’s all going to happen. Learn to manage your guilt.

Pro-tip: Choose your battles.

III. You are the adultiest adult now

Your parents are humans. They will snarl at each other, fight, and come to cry in your ears. Let them. But never ever take sides. Remember you’re now the adult between your parents so walk away. Do not engage.

And when that fight turns into something sappy, you can slink away, and enjoy the romance too!

Pro-tip: Listen, make sympathetic sounds, let it go.

IV. They’re adjusting too

My parents’ generation is not someone who understands work from home. Hell, my own generation does not understand work from home. Until COVID, work from home meant a semi-holiday. Now when corporates are contemplating completely switching to work from home, you have to remember that this shift is going to affect your parents too.

They’re used to their own routine, without their child breathing down their neck telling them they’re doing it wrong. Just like you demand they stop giving you instructions for your health, hair, exercise, sleep, mental health, home remedies to problems – you need to stop giving them instructions too like sit down, don’t exert, I’ll do this, stop telling me what to do, go for a walk, you need to stay healthy…

Pro-tip: Start storing up patience. Remember your privilege.

V. Personal Time

I have days that don’t end till 10 PM. After that there are several other things that demand my attention. On a few days, it is 11.30 PM before I get any time to just lay on bed and do nothing. Just breathe. And then my Kindle looks at me accusingly, Netflix glares at me for abandoning it and my half-finished manuscript sheds tears. I have no time left because it has all been used up and now it’s time to sleep. So either I let go of my sleep or I let go of my personal time.

But the truth is, on days when my work day doesn’t end until 11.30 PM, I have already removed 30 minutes for exercise, 1 hour for lunch and bartan dhona, 20 minutes for chai break and 15 minutes to read a novel.

Pro-tip: Grab your personal time whenever you get it. Don’t push it off till the end of the day. Let this not turn into a corporate lingo of EOD.

I do understand what it is you’ll be giving up. Independence, freedom, choices are addictive and anyone trying to tamper with that is immediately met with ire and resentment. When that happens, remember to check your privilege.

VI. Bonus Tip

Be grateful. Forgive. Breathe.