tales of Suchita

I’m fine
I don’t get stressed
All is well

are phrases I am intimately familiar with. It took me the longest time to even acknowledge that I get stressed or I have worries. A lot of that has to do with the constant diet of “you’re strong” I feed myself with. Allowing myself the bandwidth to be something other than strong is still a work in progress.

One of the activities that has helped me in this process of unbecoming has been journaling. 6 months on I can safely say it has given me far more than I could have imagined.

6 things that regular journaling taught me:

Feeling is healing

For as long as I can remember, I have supressed my emotions. The simple practice of putting in black and white how I’m feeling has made me realize the importance of allowing myself to feel, fully, everything.

It has reminded me that if I allow my emotions to go through their natural life cycle, self-regulation becomes easier.

Cuts the mind chatter

I have an overactive brain. I’m a writer, I cannot help that I have at least a dozen thoughts capturing space in my head at any given moment. Mix this with emotions and I have a veritable soup inside me. There is something magical that happens to my brain when I pick up a pen and put it to my journal. My brain quietens, I can track what I’m really feeling and dump it all onto the paper.

Fear is an ally

I had thought fear was something I had to cure – something I had to sidestep in order to reach my goals. It was something that made my life harder by appearing exactly when I didn’t need it.

It was through writing and acknowledging my fears that I started to see them as my allies. This has helped to manage my response by categorizing them as good fears, bad fears and energy draining fears. Good fears mean I’m doing something right. Bad fears mean I need to pause my activity or decision until I have more information. And energy draining fears mean I’m in avoidance mode.

Loyalty to me

As the older child, responsibility has either been thrust on me or taken by me without anyone’s invitation. Putting myself first has been a journey and understanding that it is at crux of all conflict has been eye opening.

It’s okay to know nothing

Over the last 6 months, I have come to accept that nothing can be a solid foundation on which to build something. It cuts through my ego. It opens me up to new possibilities and allows me to ask for help. To be curious and welcoming of all that is coming my way.

Befriending my “negative” traits

This has perhaps been my favourite learning. When I write, it’s easy to say I am every character. But to accept that Suchita can be egotistical, given to addictions or naïve has been like wading through a sea filled with crocodiles and sharks. But I have been learning to swim with the crocodiles and sharks.

Apart from helping me with my mental health, journaling has been one of the activities that has helped me to move closer towards understanding who I am, when all the labels, roles and purpose is swept away. How have the last 6 months been for you? Any ah-ha moments you’d like to share?

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This post is a part of Blogchatter Blog Hop.

Header image: Photo by Bence Kondor.

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