Any time I tell someone I’m a writer, I have received one of two questions. It’s either are you published. Or where can I read you. The second question is answered easily enough. I have a blog now and it is the most comprehensive way to read how or what I write. The first question though is always a dart through the gut.
A casual search on my blog will reveal at least two poems and three articles I have written around a downward spiral I go through every time I see someone else has gotten closer to “making it” than me. I cannot even bring myself to be happy or proud of the person and if I know them, god help that current of envy that rents through me.
The spiral and the bouncing back have become so familiar to me that I know even before I completely feel my feelings that I’m going through one of those phases of why am I doing this – what’s the point.
About a year ago, I came across a tweet thread by a person talking about how they were quitting the process of querying for agents because they were tired of the non answers and the “it’s us, not you.” They went on to say that it had started to affect their mental health to the point they couldn’t physically bring themself to write or read/edit something they had written. And they wanted to stop while they were ahead.
That tweet thread was exactly how I had been feeling.
Any time you indulge in a creative pursuit, there is an unconscious pressure of “making it.” If you’re a photographer, then have you been featured somewhere. If you’re a painter, have you had an exhibition…surely you have sold something? Oh you have a guitar, do you make music? It would be wrong to say that it’s only the people around you who put this pressure on you. You do it to yourself too.
I have been pressuring myself for years now. It got so bad one time that I could not bring myself to write. In fact I was close to quitting writing altogether. I wanted to write about this more violent state of mind – and the irony isn’t lost on me. But when the words started to sound like a broken record, I realised I had already used them, multiple times.
It’s safe to say, the I-want-to-quit-writing was akin to an earthquake in my life. I had always, always had the conviction that writing is what I was good for. It was the one time I felt like I was connected to and disconnected from everything – a tenuous balance to achieve good writing. If I quit, what was I good for?
I think that was my worst spiral. I cannot remember what prompted the conversation but that was when I had to make a deal with myself. I had to leave behind my ambition, my conviction, even the knowledge that I had the ability to “make it.” It was the only way of salvaging my writer self.
And though the deal is struck and I do my utmost to follow this new, less-pressure version of creativity, the envy, the spiral, the agony are always around the corner, waiting, watching, ready to pounce.
Connecting this post to #BlogchatterA2Z. To read other posts, check Theme Reveal 2022: Without Prearrangement.
PS: If you like how I write and would like to read more, I have 2 ebooks on Kindle – both free if you’re on Kindle Unlimited. You can read more about the ebooks here.
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