tales of Suchita

Dear Diary,

Why is it that some days, despite everything you do, they just escape you? No matter how much you thrash around, trying to salvage it, it just cannot be saved.

I spoke to dad today. It wasn’t our scheduled day for a call. It should have told me that the only reason he would be calling me was something awful but like a fool, I thought he was calling because he missed me.

It started off well. He asked me how I was doing. I asked him if he was exercising. You know how it is. Small talk. I asked about his sugar levels, he asked about my salary.

Did you do a double take too? Because I certainly did. I couldn’t understand the segue so I made the mistake of asking him what he meant. He asked how I was spending my money. Apparently despite being forty, earning and living in my own house, I’m still not allowed to spend money the way I want.

You know the first thing I bought when I moved into my new house? I bought a coffee machine because I could never think of buying one with dad around. He would have called it a waste of money and looked at it every day, accusing it of eating his coffee sachets. This is when I don’t even like coffee. He’s the one who is the coffee connoisseur.

Then the inevitable question came. When I was coming back home, for how long I was going to neglect my duties…like I’m some medieval prince and he the king. It’s getting harder to keep my anger on a leash.

I don’t even know why I’m disappointed. He has always been this person. He has never deviated from his path. Yet, why do I hope that one day, some day, he will see me for who I am?

Mostly, I’m confident about my place in this universe. But one call from dad, one comment from him, and everything I have built shatters to the ground. Gods, I am a glutton for punishment. It shouldn’t be so easy to convince myself that I am the loser he thinks I am.

You know, I don’t expect respect or love from him. Maybe some kindness. I know he has the capacity to be kind. I have seen it. I have seen how kind he is to Raju and Saumesh. He treats his driver and gardener with more care and love than he has ever treated me. I wonder what’s wrong with me. I wonder if I’ll ever get an answer.

It was a shitty day and I can only hope that with the turning of the sand glass, my luck and day will change tomorrow.

Thank you, dear diary, as always, for listening to me and allowing me to vent. Sometimes I wish you could reply to me like Tom Riddle did. When that thought comes, I know I must go to sleep. 

Kapil closed the diary, kept it back in its secret place and prepared for bed.

At the stroke of midnight, unbeknownst to him, his diary did reply: Goodnight, dear one.

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Song: Seasons in the Sun by Westlife

Check out the other posts for 2023 here. Written as part of #BlogchatterA2Z