tales of Suchita

If I had to write an opening to describe 2024, or really the past 5 years, I would probably write: the world is broken. It feels like we’re going through our own version of an apocalypse, a B-grade movie where all tropes have been added. And on most days, I go through such tremendous rage that its only end result is a kind of helplessness that saps my energy and hope.

I cannot imagine what that fury must be doing to you. I can tell you that times like these my privilege feels like a curse and anything I say here will only feel like a poorly stuck band-aid. But I attended a prayer circle recently and the facilitator said something that I caught onto like a talisman. She said, do what you can. In whatever capacity that is. However small, however big, focus on what you can do. And then do it.

So, I want to do what I can do. Which is to remind you that your anger is essential. I see your rage. I see your helplessness. And I want to tell you you’re not alone.

Here are some things I do when I’m feeling a helpless anger.

#1: I acknowledge and witness it

I usually stand in front of the mirror, look myself in the eye and tell myself that my anger or helplessness is valid. Whatever I’m feeling is valid. I’m here and I witness it.

It has been enormously helpful to witness my emotions through the mirror.

#2: No action till the anger and helplessness are still boiling inside

I give myself the permission to stay angry or helpless for as long as I need it. It may take an hour. It may take a day. There are so many triggers that can reignite what I’m feeling. So, I let myself be. I try very hard to be kind to myself.

I avoid taking any action until I have found my centre again.

#3: Find a place or activity that makes me feel safe

While I hold space for myself to feel whatever I am feeling, I also need to feel safe so I know it’s okay to be vulnerable. I try and create such an environment for myself through books, music, food, a look outside the window or journaling.

When all else fails, I retreat, hide and just breathe.

#4: Time to act

I am not a courageous or a bold person. I am constantly scared of making a mistake, of saying something that is tone deaf, hurtful or misinformed. I play the devil’s advocate so beautifully that often I am paralyzed and unable to take any meaningful action.

In all this, I try to remember that my action can be whatever I’m capable of in that moment, in that context. If all I can do is write a blog post then that is what I’ll do. It may feel woefully inadequate but it’s the best I can offer. And it has to be enough.

I know there is a lot of history that explains the steps we took as a collective to reach a phase in spacetime where violence, suppression, war and abuse have become such every day tools to show dominance. I profess I don’t understand these steps. I profess I don’t understand how or why we let ourselves reach a stage where no one but maybe 1% of the world’s population (and I don’t just count humans in this) is safe.

I don’t know why or how we chose to be cruel. But here we are. This is what we have to work with. Let’s make better choices.

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This post is a part of Blogchatter Half Marathon 2024